Desire

Hai all! Macam dah lama tak membebel panjang. Heh. Bajet org suka la ko membebel? Last tuesday, lps habis kes di KL, singgah kat food court Jalan Duta tu utk mkn. Then there was this promoter, perempuan dtg nk jual insurance prudential. Aku buat tak apik je la. first, aku lapar. 2nd, aku mmg dh ada insurace prudential and 3rd, aku sgt2 lapar. Tambah lagi bila akak promoter tu kata gini- kami cover semua dik, termasuklah komplikasi kandungan. That! That statement really made me sentap la kan. Ko nk mengata perut aku boroi ke pe ni?? 

pastu pn.mai a.k.a my 3rd mother explained to me in an acceptable way yg mana dia kata, what she meant was, u are in marriageable age, syuhada... so u can get pregnant if u get married etc. hati sejuk la lps puan mai kata gitu. but it awakened my long forgotten desire which was to have my own baby. 

serious weh, aku tak pernah jeles dgn org berkapel or any pengantin baru [boooo. tipu! aku once jeles ngan irma hasmie masa tgk video pre wedding dia tu] but nowadays kan aku cam gigit jari je bila tgk new couple bwk anak p mkn. layan budak kecik tu n while melayan anak kecik tu, they will have some kind of smile yang sgtlah indah kat mata tu. i want that! i want to smile like that and i want to have my own little family too. sobsob. 

i talked to my parent about this and ayah, as expected, tak allow aku utk amik anak angkat [since i'm sooo eager to have my own kan and to wait for the father of my own child tu mcm tak nmpka bayang lagi, so why not amik anak angkat] ayah said, i'm not prepared and i admit that. ayah futher added yang bila blm kahwin ni, jiwa kita masih belum lengkap [yg tu aku tak bape fhm] so utk jaga anak sendiri ni, ia akan jd sgt payah sbb jiwa blm cukup kuat. aku angguk je lah. 

then i talked to my lalings. eitehr az, timah or angah asked me whether i'm prepared or not. there are tons of thing to do utk besarkan anak ni. apa jantina anak yang ko prefer, sape nak jaga anak masa ko g keje, mcm mana dgn mkn pakai dia, adakah kewangan ko stabil, adakah ko sanggup nk melayan budak tu if dia sakit ke pe etc etc-- those adalah contoh2 soalan yang diajukan and to be honest, ia agak menyedarkan aku yang ada anak ni its not always rainbows and butterflies.. jdnya, aku tangguhkan dlu la niat tu sampailah bila Tuhan kata aku dah ready, maka nya waktu tu aku pun bolehlah berjumpa dengan Nur Iman Hannan, akhirnya :)) I cant wait to see u, love!

tu je lah. jumpa lagi dlm sesi membebel akan dtg. daaaa~~

Drabble. Ayah

hari ni ayah balik
lps seminggu teman ibu kt kl
jd td ayh singgah mhkmh nk amik kunci rmh
dr jauh ak dh nmpk ayh
aku kejar sbb xmo ayh pnjt tangga tinggi tu
ayah stop jln bila nmpk aku
comel plak dia berdiri sblh pondok jga tu
dia senyum nmpk aku kedek2 jln jumpa dia

aku gelak tiba2
scene ni nmpk mcm cite si tanggang-
ayah tunggu dpn tempat keje anak sbb anak malu nk jumpa bapak
Tapi dia tgu situ bukan sbb aku malu
just sbb aku tak mau dia jalan jauh2 semata2 nk jumpa aku
aku xsekali2 malu nak jumpa ayah aku
bangga lagi ade cium dia tgh2 dunia tu
sbb dia ayah aku

Tapi aku tau pd msa tu dia lg lah bangga dgn aku
sbb aku nmpk senyum yg sama masa dia peluk aku tym aku dpt result upsr dlu

**

Satu petang masa tgh mkn ptg bersama klien dan bos.

Klien ni kenal ayah aku

Klien: ayah syuhada apo lah buek ei lps pencen ni?
Aku: owh dia bz. Seminggu ni xde rumah sbb teman ibu tilawah kt kl
klien: eh. Kau anak noorliza ko?
Aku: aah
klien: laaaa.. isa nikah mo liza ko??

Gelak besar aku cara pakcik tu tanya. Bajet cam kenal ayah aku gila2.

But still. Aku bangga. To admit that- yes, they are my parents. Dunia akhirat. 😘😘

Did I told u today?

that i love u, so freaking much?

i love u, because u love me more

i love u, because u means the world to me

i love u, because u were there- and always there for me

i love u, because u understand me inside out

i love u- simply because u are my mother

who loves me unconditionally

hello there beautiful!

thank u so much for loving me

along tinggi suara, melawan cakap, tak patuh arahan, do this and that, make u worry, 

but ibu still sabar with me

how can i live without u, bu?

Betapa aku seorang pendosa

Tuhan,
Aku kini berdiri sombong memandang langit
seolah mata aku mampu lihat kamu tanpa sebarang getar di hati
seolah jiwa aku mampu hidup tanpa ehsan dari kamu
seolah-olah aku bukan hamba
yang menagih belas ehsan dari kamu

Tuhan,
aku tidak mampu
aku terduduk kerana bumi mahu aku tunduk

siapa aku sbnrnya?
kenapa begitu mudah aku lupa
nafsu apa yang sedang membakar jantung ku?
sehingga semudah itu aku tewas
dan terus bergelumang dlm kncah dosaku

aku masih ingat aku menangis
teresak2 menyesali dosa kelmarin
aku berjanji mahu berhenti
aku berjanji tidak akan ulangi lagi
aku jijik dgn dosa aku sndri

tapi aku gagal
dan aku ulang lagi
dosa yang aku sebolehnya mahu sorokkan daripada dunia mengetahui

tapi aku lupa
dengan siapa yang aku patutnya malu
dgn siapa aku patutnya getar
ah. betapa aku seorang pendosa

tapi aku ini, Tuhan- aku ini adalah org yg sama
yang memandang jijik pd dosa orang yang berbeza
jenis dosa yang aku tidak lakukan tp mereka kerjakan
aku tempelak
aku menyombong

lupa- jenis dosa aku lebih hina celakanya dari mereka

Happy Birthday, Babe

Happy 28th birthday, my best-est friend! its your last birthday as a single lady and at the end of this month, you will step in another stage of life- to be someone's wife. I'm thinking to write a letter to you but my handwriting is getting worse day by day so yeah, here i am. writing a post in my own blog so that u can read it. i'm pretty sure u will read it because u are one of those few people who have the link to this blog. today is 19th day of January and i start this early because i dont know when will i have the time to write.. i'm planning to write a lengthy post because this is about 13 years of friendship, babe. what do u expect? so prepare yourself to read this. read!! i'll ask u question about this and if u fail to answer correctly, then- good bye my dear friend. muahahaha. 

this was one of the earliest picture of us, babe. still remember? while we were in form 1 I guess. [Tudung hitam with baju kurung kuning- like- seriously, syuhada?? hahaha]. I still remember u told me that u knew about me way before we met. although we are friends but we were not that close, didnt we? frankly speaking, I didn't really like you at that point of time. you are quite.. impossible to understand. with that eh-aku-punya-sukalah- attitude, i cant believe u were the person who gave me the most memorable birthday celebration ever with just a simple McD fillet-o fish .. i still remember u told me- akak aku datang td, dia bawak burger ni. hari ni kan birthday kau, mehla share sama2. we were not even in the same dorm. u came all the way to my dorm that night to share that small burger of yours with me. that was so sweet and most sincere act someone ever did to me. From the very bottom of my heart, thank you so much for your kindness, dearie BFF.i remember that till the last day of my life.

we became close in 2002. while we were busy preparing for our big PMR exam, we slowly getting closer together with az. if u ask how- honestly i cant recall. step by step, I have my own circle of friends consist of nine and of course, you are part of it. not to mention, we were also the pair that argued the most.

remember this picture? this was taken when we argued few seconds before. u left out of sudden and i dont bothered to care so we just proceed to take the picture. haha. so childish.i dont know how we reconcile after that but i guess Ina played a big role as our Jaksa Pendamai. muehehehe.

 

i spent most of my youth with you and them.. it was not an easy journey but we did have fun and I thank God for that. I thank u, for accepting me because I'm far from being perfect. Being moody and unpredictable syuhada whom sometimes so blunt with her words, i'm sure i always giving u hard times. thank u for always being there, accepting me for who i am and never ask me to be who i am because u know i wont bother to play another role when i'm with u. u simply make me want to be me. 

that sampul surat is in original form since 11 years ago okeh. dont u dare to accuse me for not taking a good care of your gifts and notes. yup. u did gave me that kind of note but i treasured those, babe. that is how much u meant to me. terharu lettew! haha. babe, did u remember we used to write our so called wasiat and gave to each other so that if one of us die, the one who left will convey those words to our family? hahahahaha. soooo budak2 sgt at that time. i dont know where did i kept those letters, lucky you! if i found it, i'll surely menghanjingkan kau for days. hahahaha. i thank Allah because we born earlier than this internet era. Kalau tak. dunno la what will happen. silap2 masuk KHK.muehehehe

after SPM, things change. the routine change, our circle of friends expand and we met the real world. we rarely met. once a while we talk via phone. we text each other from phone message era till wasap era. it keeps our friendship last longer. we faced another type of problem. if in SMKAP, our problem were basically about homework, friends, my crush, your crush, teachers and family- now, there are additional types of problem we are facing. monetary, life, workplace, staffs, lovelife, family etc.etc. from that I got to know u better and we start to understand and accepting each other more that what we use to do.

As far as i remembered, there were lots of things that i experienced for the first time and u being my partner in crime, were there with me. remember our zaman kesusahan? kejar bas, naik bas, turun bas. [alhamdulillah we now can take turn to drive wherever we want]. i miss those times where we can hang around and berjimba something with someone else money. haha.

our friendship is not just about sweet journey kan babe? i still remember the moment we hugged in front of your house the day your mother passed away. i still remember your tears. I still remember the moment our eyes met when u were beside your late mother and me- sitting few meters away. at that time, i finished reciting yasin for your mum and u simply look at me. i cant forget the look in your eyes as if you want to tell me something and i remember sending a look that telling u- i'm here. I will always here for u, be strong and trust me, u are  not alone. for days, i keep worrying about you because u simply pushed others away from u. u refused to reply messages, answering your calls. our friends keep telling me to go to u just to make sure u are ok. i dont know how to drive at that time, so i asked ayah to send me over. when we met, i remember your tired eyes and u look so miserable. only Allah knows how hurt I am when i simply couldnt do anything for u. I couldt understand your pain. I just can sit there, listen to you when u pouring your sadness to me. but i'm still grateful because u still want to tell me what did u feel. thank u for giving me that chance.

second time i saw hurt in your eyes was when he came to your life. I knew u fallen deeply for him and i cant help but supported your love life regardless what actually the reality was. after what happened, u look like lifeless soul. smile didnt reached your eyes and i knew u faked up all the laugh and smile. pray that me and angah wont meet that *&^%*(*^ guy because if we did, he will surely be 6 feet under. 

but past is past. now, u finally found your other half. u are getting married in few weeks!!!!! ho-hemm-geeeeeeee. did i told u that i got teary eyed when during your engagement day?[haha. u know me la kan. ratu air mata. wan maimunah sgt!]

why did i cried, u ask? because i remember your late mother. one of ur makcik look exactly like her and i cant help thinking how happy she is if she can be there on your big day. despite your wide smile, i can see some sadness in your eyes. hmmm..

u sounds stress lately babe. just dont think too much, will u? i know [theoretically] that planning a wedding is such a headache but please dont overdo yourself. insyaAllah everything will be okay. anything just tell me, i'll listen to u. if i'm able to help, i will.

dear best-est friend, i sincerely pray for your happiness. i really hope that Fadzil can make u happy, treat you like a princess and pouring you with endless love. but marriage is not just about that. its about give and take. i sincerely pray that you can fulfill your duty as a wife and insyaAllah, a mother. Patience is the key. think with your matured brain, dont let your emotion lead your act. i may not be the right person u can turn to if u having any problem after u get married, but do remember, i will always be here.

things will change and no one can guarantee that our friendship will remain the same. we have talked about this, dont we? we kinda predicted what will happen. just like how angah slowly drifted apart from me after her marriage, i can foresee that u will be busy with your marriage too. sigh. me, as the one who being left have to accept this. its part and parcel of life. we have to move on. but keep my words, anywhere i go, i wont hesitate to claim you as my bestfriend. Dunia akhirat.   

i love u. lillahitaala.

Happy birthday, bestfriend and selamat pengantin baru :)